The Champ and The Chump...

This is the first edition in what I intend to be a series, pitching two bitter rivals against each other, looking at the evidence and injecting my own humble opinion, ultimately proclaiming one 'The Champ' and the other... 'The Chump'.

It's inspired not a little, by Letter D's 'genius or moron' posts... Pure Internet Gold!

The Contenders

Anyway, first up are the two biggest, baddest movie stars of the 80's and 90's... Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone... now if the results were based on stupid names, Arnie would nick it... but only just. I have to say at the outset, that I personally couldn't have lived without either's movies as I grew up... imagine no Rocky... or no Terminator... but alas, one has to be named Chump. Recent stars like Steven (gay ponytail) Seagal and Van (splits kick and bumpy forehead) Damme don't even get a look-in.

'V'

The 70's

The 70's was pretty shit for both 'action' men, although Sly hit some home runs with Rocky and Rocky 2... probably his most memorable role. The rest of this decade is filled with crap like Bananas, Klute and The Party at Kitty and Stud's.



Arnie faired much worse with abysmal shite like Hercules in New York and his role as Lars, the gym instructor in Scavenger Hunt.

The 80's

An incredible decade for Arnie with mega hits starting with the awesome Conan The Barbarian Movie... followed with hit after hit:

Conan The Destroyer
The Terminator
Red Sonja
Commando
Predator
The Running Man

Holy shit, what a bunch of movies. The Terminator was the Sci Fi film of the 80's except for Blade Runner, maybe. The second Conan movie, more budget, more muscles and even the slightly eccentric Red Sonja was great for the fantasy fanboy. Commando established Arnie as the 'one liner' action movie star and Predator sealed the deal.





Sly didn't do too badly either, Rambo was the macho man of the 80's in First Blood, Rambo and Rambo 3... he also managed to notch up two further Rocky movies, with Rocky 3 featuring Mr T and the brilliant Rocky IV, with the classic Ivan Drago character, played by big Dolph. Arnie may have had the string of one-off hits and the follow-up to the first Conan movie, but Sly had established himself as the king of the franchises.

But the 80's weren't only about the two big R's for Sly, he also released Cobra, Lock Up, Tango & Cash and the soft and yet almost appealing Over the Top about an arm wrestler trying to gain access to his son.





The 90's

A fairly even couple of decades until now. We have hugely successful one-off defining hits from Arnie and well-established franchises from Sly... both actors were loaded and popular, so what are they going to do now?

Arnie kicks off in style with Total Recall... then totally fucks up with Kindergarten Cop... he is the first to fall for the 'Should I try comedy?' schoolboy error... didn't he learn anything from Twins?
Luckily for everyone, he hits back with Terminator 2: Judgement Day... one of the biggest movies ever... and this is despite the fact that the new terminator is ordered not to kill... 'he'll live' he says, as he shoots a punk in the leg.

Then he looks like a complete fuck'tard in The Last Action Hero, trying to appeal to kids, goes evern further into the shitter with Junior (a pregnant Arnold Shwarzenegger... who the fuck signed that off!?!) recovers with True Lies (thanks to Tom Arnold) gives us the finger with Jingle All The Way and then does this:




You prick.

At least End of Days gets back to the dark stuff but even Gabriel Byrne fresh from The Usual Suspects can't save a wishy washy decade.

Sly kicks off with Rocky V... bad move. Who the fuck wants to see a punch drunk, broke, Rocky slug it out with another great white hope in the street? Then the unthinkable happens. Stop, or my Mom will shoot... didn't YOU see Twins fucko?

He gets back onto ass kickin' track with Cliffhanger and up until this point, has left the Sci Fi to Arnie. Then Demolition Man hits our screens, and ain't too bad and also acts as a vehicle for the up and comer Wesley Snipes and new geek-drool gal, Sandra Bullock.

The Specialist is forgettable, especially as snatch-flasher Sharon Stone keeps her gash where it belongs... but then we get this:

You prick.

Way to piss off fanboys the world over.

Things get boring with Daylight and Assassins but Sly wins back some acting street cred with Cop Land at the end of another wishy washy decade.

Beyond 2000

Sly starts the new millenium with Get Carter... Get lost. Driven, which is okay and D-Tox, which is complete arse apples.

Arnie gave us the 6th Day, which I enjoyed for the premise and the gadgets alone. Then came Collateral Damage, back to the 'one man taking on an army' form of the early 80's.. only shit. Then the tragedy that was Terminator 3, Arnie never had Sly's franchise power.

Then Arnie gets all 'political'... didn't he learn anything from Junior?

... he beomes the Governor of California and looks like this:

Sly makes the awesome television show 'The Contender', forgetting Rocky was just a character and the only shot he has ever taken to his face, was the stroke that left him looking and sounding punch drunk... and stays in pretty good shape.

The Verdict

Sly started out strong with Rocky, gaining extra credits for writing and directing THE boxing movie short of Raging Bull... and any boxing movie this side of the year 2000!

But Conan... and an incredible run in the 80's aids Arnie's corner, although you can't ignore John Rambo, Apollo Creed dying in Rocky IV and Kurt Russell banging Sly's sister in Tango & Cash.

Both make pricks of themselves as Mr Freeze and Judge Dredd, try comedy, drop a couple of decent thrillers, and try and revitalize ailing franchises in the 90's.

Both stick their heads up their arses, Arnie getting into politics and Sly thinking he can actually give advice to real-life, promising boxers and possible future world champions.

Sly gets extra points, as whilst Arnie starred in Red Sonja... Sly was actually banging her in real life. He also deserves some extra credit for achieving such success despite having a completely fuckin mental mother.

Both deserve a kick in the balls for Planet Hollywood.

Sorry Arnie, you are a Chump.

The Champ

And this surprised me, as going in to this thing I thought Arnie had made better films. If this had been a fight, Sly went into the early rounds slugging, Arnie came back with some strong middle rounds. Both men touched their knees on the canvas in later rounds but Sly made an eye-catching finale.